Apart from scheduling our anatomy scan for later this week (which is super exciting), Monday marked another mostly uneventful doctor’s appointment. After the appointment, Lacy called her mom to update her on the appointment and upcoming anatomy scan. Eventually, the conversation turned from doctor’s appointments to pregnant women online complaining about their husbands cheating on them. The biggest complain from these women, so I’m told, isn’t the cheating, but that it’s happening so soon. The idea of cheating on your pregnant wife is an odd one. It shows how little these men really care about their so-called loved ones, but that’s a topic for another time. My mother-in-law’s response to this concern went something like this, “Well, it’s just because they can’t go without that pussy!”  I think that was the first time—in the nearly nine years that Lacy and I have been together—that I’ve heard that woman use that word, but nothing could have prepared me for what came next.

Inevitably, the topic of masturbation came up. Lacy said a woman online was freaking out because she caught her husband masturbating to internet porn (click here to read my thoughts on the topic of porn). That’s when, for the first time since I’ve known her, my mother-in-law shared her masturbatory wisdom, “Just shut up and jerk-off in the shower!” This makes sense from the standpoint of cleanup, however, I pointed out the major flaw in her proposal, “There’s no internet porn in the shower.” This got a laugh, but didn’t change her stance on the matter.

The lesson here, if there is one, is to always expect the unexpected with pregnancy, especially when your in-laws are involved.

Koala baby?

A couple of weeks ago, the wife and I made the trek to the hospital to get our first ultrasound. We were both nervous and excited as we waited to see if our baby was both alive and well. Once in the ultrasound room, Lacy took her place on the table and the ultrasound tech applied the bluish-clear gel on the lower part of her belly. We waited with bated breath for good, great, or terrible news. As the tech worked her magic, I could barely see the image of our unborn child on the small screen that was facing away from Lacy’s curious eyes. The tech assured us everything was fine and when she played the baby’s heartbeat, I saw tears well up in Lacy’s eyes. The swooshing sound of the little child’s heartbeat was not only reassuring, but a beautiful magical sound I could listen to endlessly.

After taking measurements on the screen, the tech projected the image on the HDTV on the wall so Lacy and I could get a better look at our healthy creation. Lacy expelled a small laugh of joy and we saw the child move and wave its hand. We like to think our kid was waving to us, but, even if that’s not the case, that’s what parents-to-be like to say. After a few minutes on-screen, the tech printed pictures of our precious child in the usual fuzzy black and white. Lacy was quick to do what all expectant mothers do in this age of the Internet and social networking, she posted an image of the ultrasound on Facebook as soon as possible.

After placing our precious bun-in-the-oven on Facebook for all our family and friends to see, the typical happy comments come rolling in, then one of Lacy’s friends comments, “It looks like a koala bear! Cute!” Confused, Lacy asked the friend what she meant, Lacy was soon greeted with one of the funniest things either of us has ever seen: the photo you see at the top of this post.

Here's our baby! (Notice, NOT a koala)

Cue the hormones. Which led to Lacy crying and texting me about her troubles. I assured her that I would bring her home a milkshake after work. So, in the wee hours of the morning, Lacy had her mint chocolate chip milkshake, rushed home straight from Steak ‘n Shake. This pleased Lacy, and I was the hero, at least for the moment.

The next day at work, I received a screen cap from Lacy of a conversation she had with her brother. It boiled down to her asking him to bring out materials for making milkshakes so they could have shakes and watch Harry Potter movies. He responded that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to come out, Lacy responded (as any pregnant big sister would) by telling him to not be a dick, and get his ass out there. Their mother must have been in on it, because his response indicated that their mom had started watching one of the Twilight movies and he’d be over in a few, cause he needed to get out of the house as soon as possible.

After reading this, I texted Nate and let him know that there was beer in the fridge if he needed it.

Lacy texted and said she got her milkshake and cried during Harry Potter.

When I got home, there was no more beer in the fridge.

Lacy later told me that I then patted her on the head and simply replied, “Oh.” Then rolled over and went back to sleep.

While on the phone, Lacy entered the bedroom. Nathan and I finish an episode on TV, then followed it with an episode of The Heart, She Holler. Lacy had still not returned from the bedroom. I checked in on Lacy and found her asleep on the bed with her phone next to her, her head was at the foot of the bed and while her feet rested on the pillows.

We didn’t make it to the store on time.

I later learned that her dad had answered the phone and after talking with him, she texted her mom, and fell asleep waiting for her response.